Why Taylor Swift's breakup hurts so much

And how Swift reclaimed the public narrative around her love life

In a news item that almost nobody had on their 2023 bingo card, pop superstar Taylor Swift and her longtime boyfriend— and occasional songwriting partner— Joe Alwyn have broken up. Their split, confirmed Saturday night, has rocked Swift’s fandom, who took to social media to decry the killing blow to love everywhere.

While I typically find it rather silly to mourn the relationship of two public figures whose inner life is ultimately a mystery, I was surprisingly upset at the news of Swift and Alwyn calling it quits. Maybe it's because I’ve been a fan of Swift for most of my life and have something of a parasocial relationship with her, but this breakup felt more personal than the typical celebrity couple cannon fodder. 

If Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds divorce, I won’t feel much of anything. Because despite the public nature of their relationship, which often feels designed to generate listicles about them being “couple goals,” we are shielded from the deeper emotional context of their relationship. We only know what they want us to and, as is the case of most celebrity couples, it’s very little.

But Swift’s relationship with Alwyn was a curious case. They began dating in 2016, amid the height of public anti-Swift rhetoric, and unlike her high-profile ex-boyfriends—which include Harry Styles, Calvin Harris, and a Kennedy— most of the general public was introduced to Alwyn via their relationship. 

Compared to Swift’s other relationships, theirs was far more private, rarely making public appearances together and containing a surprisingly low number of paparazzi photos over six years. As Swift explained in her 2020 documentary Miss Americana, privacy was a deliberate choice, motivated by the excessive, overwhelmingly critical media coverage of both her love life and Swift herself.

But despite their relationship possessing a higher degree of privacy in terms of its media coverage, it was Swift’s most musically revealing.

Swift’s last five albums, beginning with 2017’s Reputation, repeatedly characterized her relationship with Alwyn as secure and comforting, an escape from the chaos of her public persona. As written by Swift, their relationship was synonymous with a new lease on life, unconditional understanding and a sense of home.

And considering Swift’s prior experiences dating in the public eye, her relationship with Alwyn felt like a triumphant conclusion.

After so many years of being hounded and derided by the media, it was truly cathartic to see Swift in a relationship that was not only steady and loving but in which she had the power of how much she chose to reveal. And while nearly every aspect of Swift’s life is unattainable—her talent, wealth, success and beauty, just to name a few — her recent years of romantic contentment felt tangibly aspirational. 

The genius of Swift’s artistry is her ability to write about experiences unique to her in a universally identifiable way. None of us have had a whirlwind romance with Jake Gyllenhaal in which he never returned our favorite scarf, but nearly all of us have been blindsided and crushed by something ending just as it began. I doubt any of us have had the Met Gala as the backdrop to our messiest romantic decisions, but they certainly feel as dramatic. 

Like her breakup songs, Swift’s many pieces about Alwyn are both extremely specific and relatable in their portrayal of falling in love: the initial feelings of anxiety and excitement, the deeper fear of losing something you want to keep and the ultimate bliss that comes with consistent, reliable support. It felt like something we could reasonably achieve if we only held out hope amid our various dating disasters.

Their breakup also stirs feelings of familiarity, as nearly all of us have lost a relationship we thought certain to endure and have had to keep going, albeit not on the world’s stage.

This is not to say that it’s appropriate to excessively speculate on the nature of their relationship ending, show up to their former home, villainize Alwyn or somehow try to connect this to Karlie Kloss. Despite being one of the most famous women in the world, Swift is entitled to privacy and autonomy about how and when she chooses to discuss the breakup.

But while it’s important to remember that none of Swift’s fans are party to this breakup, it’s only natural that they would feel a sense of loss over a relationship that has characterized so much of her recent work. 

While we don’t know Swift and Alwyn personally, we have been granted a certain level of insight into their relationship through Swift’s music, so it’s only natural that we would grow attached to it from a distance. 

But even though Swift and Alwyn are no longer together, it doesn’t mean that their relationship was a failure. Our love for others is not measured by the number of years we experience together, but by the depth and sincerity with which we feel it. Swift’s songs about Alwyn, while now more bittersweet, are still a testament to the extent of how much we can feel for one another, even if our circumstances change.

What’s more is that Swift is spending the aftermath of the breakup embarking on her first tour in five years, with recent concert footage displaying her genuine joy to be performing again. While she’s undoubtedly grieving the relationship off-stage, it’s now clear that the live embrace of her fans is exactly what she needs during this time.

And whether Swift in the future chooses to venture into another relationship or remain unpartnered, her relationship with Alwyn proved that she has the power to write her own story, rather than letting the outside world shape her narrative.

Our best-laid plans sometimes go awry and the fallout of that can feel debilitating. But, as Swift has documented throughout 10 albums, even the worst heartache is temporary, and with enough time, introspection and good music, we can always begin again.